The Poha Maniac

I just stepped out of a solo retreat, a silent one. I like to do these once in a while, sort of balances the energies and you feel centered and refreshed. A friend of mine was very gracious to let me have his apartment in Rishikesh for the purpose. So here I was all alone in a 2BHK  2 steps away from Ganga eagerly awaiting the  days of yoga, meditation  and enlightenment.. There was just one other apartment on the same floor and it was occupied by two women in their 20s, working for a 5 star hotel in town, my friend informed me.

So I got my provisions for 10 days including, rice, vegetables, oats, cereals and my favourite, poha ! I was looking forward to my cooking sessions as much as the retreat. On the first day early in the morning as I was stepping out of the flat for a walk by the river, I saw one of my neighbours coming up. Dressed stylishly in a salwar kameez she looked to be returning from her night shift in the hotel. This girl was a looker from top to bottom. Alas, being on silent mode, I couldn't greet her.  Damn it!

That didn't matter too much coz she just walked past not even acknowledging my presence. Oh well the babe must be tired, I thought. We met again a couple of times with the same indifferent look from her. I think it was the third day of my retreat when I heard the bell ring as I was in the kitchen making poha. Now who could that be at 8 in the morning? You guessed right folks, it was the lady dressed to kill in a stunning salwar suit clinging to her freshly bathed body and water dripping from her hair. Without the help of pranayama my breathing stopped and I guess I was pretty close to Samadhi.

The first thing I did was to pinch myself. I mean us spiritual types get visions and all that so just wanted to make sure that this was the real thing. The femme fatale had a shy yet dazzling smile and she kept on looking expectantly behind me into the flat. Was she maybe looking for my friend I wondered? She introduced herself and that’s when it hit me. I’m in silence! Shit! Shit! Shit!

Should I just forget about this silent sadhana and just deal with the present ‘present’? In my mind I had already removed her clothes and we were in bed. But how the hell am I going to make love without making a sound? This God damn silence! Maybe it would be an amazing experience who knows? So there was this devil/angel war going on in my mind. My mind was in total turmoil. Should I open my Goddamn mouth or not , that was the question.. Believe me there was never any moral dilemma about whether to have sex or not ! And how's seduction possible without speech eh? So i had to break the silence , so my thoughts went.

Finally, the angel guy won. By a very narrow margin. I put my index finger to my mouth with a smile indicating that my lips were sealed. Maybe it was the expression on my face or the angle of the finger but the shocked look on her face told me that she thought I was asking her to kiss me. I reassured her. She relaxed considerably when she learned that I was in silence. I wrote my name down for her.

She closed her eyes tilted her head back and inhaled deeply. Her breasts literally rose a mile, I swear !

“V?”, she deep throated my name huskily, making me gulp down about a gallon of saliva. God, this was easier than I thought it was going to be… My mind conjured up naked bodies and acrobatic poses that would have put Vatsyayana to shame. There was only one bedroom with a double bed but the sheets were slightly …

“What is that amazing aroma coming from your kitchen?”
I was jerked out of my fantasy world by these words of Deep Throat.

For the first time I was glad I was in silence. She pushed past me engulfing me in her scent  and entered the kitchen where the poha was on a low flame. She removed the lid from the kadai, inhaled again and took a little taste.

“Oh it’s divine” she purred once more. Her facial expressions made my mind race to the bedroom again. “I love poha” she deep throated again.

“More than moi?” I would have asked sarcastically if I had the power of speech. Now I understood her sudden appearance and interest in me. The aroma of my cooking would have reached her flat and caused her to jump out, wet hair, clothes and all. The slutty glutton !

The poha maniac returned the next day and in a few days time I didn’t even bother to lock the door. She would stay till lunch sometimes just sitting or chatting away. She confided that she was a bad cook and was much too tired after her night shift to do any cooking anyway. What exactly do you do on the night shift I wanted to ask but like I said before it was a good that I was in silent mode. I think she found the idea of a guy who would feed her, listen to her without a murmur not passing judgments or comments liberating.  And all this without sex ! How much better could it get for her?!! As they say men give intimacy for sex and women give sex for intimacy. This went on for the whole retreat. I know guys, I was getting a pathetic trade off but I dare not do anything coz when she dug into that poha  she had a maniac glint in her eyes that  seemed to say “No man can come between me and my poha!“

12 comments:

  1. So I just stumbled across your blog, and oh my god. This post was the first one I read, and I couldn't stop laughing! Cant wait to read the rest :)
    Cheers.
    Hopelessly Hopeful
    www.welcometomypartypeople.blogspot.in

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    1. HH, a warm welcome ! Glad you liked it :)

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  2. Ha!Ha! I can't stop laughing!! Looking forward to reading more from you...

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    1. Yes sometimes life does turn out to be pretty funny ! Welcome abroad Divya !

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  3. Hahaha..and here I was thinking silent retreats made you have spiritual thoughts instead of erotic fantasies..that was so damn funny!!!

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    1. Listen Darling, this is "100 % authentic real life situation". As the indian shopkeepers say"100% guaranteed mam, 139% guarantee. maa ki kassam. full true. ha, no lie. ha maa ki kasam"

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  4. This woman has her priorities right. Awesome! :D You really stayed silent for 10 days? :o

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    1. Hmmm yes, it's a miracle that i didn't put a word or a cuss in through all that yapping :)

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  5. Horny sadhu!

    This was hilarious :D

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  6. Another one of your fantasies, I am sure :P (Am I mean or what?!)

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    1. Ahem... this doesn't come under the fantasy genre but under fiction. It's 100% unauthentic ! :P

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Thanks for taking the time to write :)