My 5 best thumps !

The title might have got a fair number of you excited if you mistook thumps for humps. Apologies!  Blogadda is trying to get bloggers to write about five instances when they really felt like whacking someone.

Five occasions  when I would really liked to have got physical :

1.    On a recent 2 months yoga course, there was this guy who never spared any opportunities to be the centre of attention. He put his hand up for everything. Yeah the obligatory over enthusiastic guy in every class. He was instrumental in motivating us to volunteer for an NGO to pick rubbish from the street. But conveniently on the days when we needed to go out and pick stuff he was ‘sick’. On the last day of the course, a Canadian camera crew turned up to shoot a documentary about the NGO. They only wanted those who had regularly volunteered to be part of the shoot to make it look more natural. Unashamedly, our man was first in the line for picking rubbish .It took all my yogic abilities not to give in to the temptation to strangle him. But due to Health and Safety regulations (Canada), all of us were required to wear masks that day. So no one was recognizable, including our hero!

2.    Once on a skiing trip I found myself in a dorm with a guy who thought his moral duty to share his love for loud phone music with the world. The music was always on whatever he did, wherever he went! In the loo. Changing clothes. Walking. In the mess. Farting. Skiing. Flirting. How can I forget him trying to seduce a girl by pumping up the tinny volume, shaking his skinny ass and winking in her direction? Sublime! Our complaints fell on his obviously deaf ears. But during our time together I would get the urge to rearrange his facial anatomy at least once during the day! 
                                                                  
Conversations can lead to humping (for some lucky guys), but in my case they more often lead to imaginary thumping. 2 such instances…

 3.  The setting: a wedding in Kerala.
‘So mone, what are you up to now?’ asks concerned ‘Uncle’

‘Err I'm travelling, Uncle.’

‘Good! Good ! But where is yuar job?’ Ah, the good old mallu accent!

I take deep breath.

‘I’m taking a break from work’

‘But you said the same thing 2 years back!’

I start counting down from 10.

‘Yes uncle, I'm still travelling and loving it’, with plastic smile.

‘Where’s your dad? I have to talk to him. Young men shouldn’t be allowed to wander by themselves.’ Uncle wanders off in search of Dad.

Close to bursting point, but am saved by the curvy single daughter of said uncle who sashays to where I'm standing and asks admiringly, ‘So you really travel full time?'


4. Another conversation with uncle, later in the day:
‘Ah mone, I was waiting to talk to you again’

‘Wow, so was I’, plastic smile.

‘Really, about what?’

‘Err, well, err you know general knowledge, I mean general topics, politics, ble...’

‘Ok Ok, the reason I wanted to talk to you is because your dad is concerned by your lifestyle.’

‘Really?’

‘Yes he thinks you should stabilize’

‘Ah...’

‘You come from a good family, its time you thought about marriage.’

Direct frontal assault.

‘I saw you talking to Anju. What do you think about her?’

‘The …Ahh…you…she’s nice, yes she’s a nice HOMELY girl’. Maybe baldy daddy will get the hint.

‘Ha I knew it. She likes you too. She just told me. I spoke to your dad already.’

‘What the $%$%$%?!!!'

  Now you should settle down and get a job'

‘But…’ I feel a light touch on my arm and turn to see the smile of curvy single Anju. Cold sweat and a thumping/humping feeling!

5. This happened today. I was climbing a newly painted iron spiral staircase to the second floor shop by the side of a busy road. It was so windy that the staircase was shaking! Damn! When I got to the top, pure emptiness! The staircase was a good 2 feet from the shop and propped up by sticks and PVC pipes! I could have just disembarked and had my legs plastered. No warning signs, nothing! Laughing faces all around. Blood pressure shoots up along with embarrassment. I see my reflection in the shop window and feel like thumping, the idiot that I am.