Confessions of a neurotic narcissist blogger

I can never quite forget the first time I received a comment on my blog. I was not even aware that other people were reading stuff that I wrote. A certain secret satisfaction that 'someone out there' cared enough to blurb. A rite of passage every blogger goes through. It would tally with my theory that all bloggers, more or less, are exhibitionists. Not with regard to their clothes, though there may be the odd exception, but with their feelings. We like to be appreciated for our incredible writing skills, artistic ability or photographic finesse as the case may be. ;-) And of course a bit of narcissm helps to convince ourselves that our thoughts are important enough to be read by other people.

Once you succumb to that first comment, which is usually mildly encouraging, you're a goner. Soon you are logging in and going straight to the comments section. Six years back on blogger, that was the measure of your popularity, the number of comments you had. And the number of times you logged in to check the comments section was an indication of your neurotic obsessive behaviour. Thankfully blogger didn't have 'followers' then or I would have been permanently docked in a blog rehab institution!

Pretty soon when I sit down to write I take into consideration my imagined audience. E.g. if you have too many sensitive readers, you don’t want to be f*&^!#^ rude do you ? The pressure is on dude, you have got to make them laugh, entertain them. All the attributes of the audience, your own perceived notions of course! So what started off as just a venue to blow steam and let out dirty thoughts and secret fantasies becomes an exercise in posturing. Bloody hell!

The best part of blogging has to be the 'blogging buddies'. You can impose your wish list of what qualities constitute an ideal friend, on them.  They are on their best behaviour, so are you. Only if they lived longer. Of the many buddies I had six years back, only a couple survive. And they DON'T remember me now! The rest are dead. Maybe not physically but for all practical purposes for me, they are stuffed. Most leave without goodbyes, just like in real life. Their thoughts compressed into pixels still remain like an elaborate tombstone on the net.

Some weirdoes like me go into a coma for 6 years and then suddenly spurt back into life. When I read my old entries I couldn't believe I had ANYTHING TO DO WITH THEM, much less write them. But I love myself too much to delete them. Even the bad jokes copy and pasted from a website now forgotten.

 Who would have thought watching traffic was so much fun? Of course I speak of the site meter. Coming from all over the world for reasons that would of course put any self respecting exhibitionist to shame. God forbid, if any of your posts contain Indian or mallu in combination with girls, s*x , hair, eyes, toe nails, back, ankle... You get the drift. All thanks to Google of course. I imagine some poor sod hunched over his lappie hyperventilating with glazed eyes as he makes his way with high expectations to the vagabond's site. My apologies to all those sods. That way traffic watching is not so great. The realization that most visitors come here to blow steam like me, but in a very different manner.

On a slightly more serious note, isn't there something fulfilling about reading what people feel when they read our little entries? Isn't that the closest we can realistically hope to getting published? And of course to read what others write is much less stressful and more pleasurable than writing! The different way people tick, think and of course Google still amaze me...

Dedicated with special affection to my blogging buddies.


  1. kudos! i must confess my meter-watching addiction as well...funny though, you most likely know more about me than a lot of my friends and acquaintances ive made here from what youve read..and perhaps me as well.

  2. You made me chuckle. I do love getting comments on my blog but I don't live for them or have an addiction. I just write what I think is good and then post it. The comments are encouraging and give me a sense of who's reading which is wonderful.

    I was actually nagged into blogging. I never wanted to do it but one of my writer friends insisted for years that I should. I finally bit the bullet six months and started blogging and I'm really glad that I did. The friends I've made - blogging friends and other friends - is just fabulous.


  3. I like to be one of the anonymous person on the web, because I don't like the pressure to having to write for someone and conform to this face I portray to people in public. But, I won't lie. I love seeing comments, make me feel like .. "oh someone is listening" :) . Hmm.. I do watch the meter too ..but not obsessively (yet) :)

  4. @nikko,
    probably the beauty and tragedy of the blogging buddies phenomenon. You get to know someone inside out in an absurdly short time.If all our non virtual relations took this path ,it probably wouldn't be healthy.

  5. Jai,

    I have been in blog rehab before, its mentioned somewhere in my 2003 entries. :) Its easy for me now to spot n addict and im afraid you don't tick the boxes ! I'm really glad you blog coz ur such a fantastic writer ! :)

  6. Gal next door,

    I'm big on anonymity as well. Maybe we are two faced people showing our true vibrant colours on the net ! I have to agree with the general feeling about comments. Especially the critical ones. Exercises my grey cells!

  7. Okay i'm the late one in commenting and after you not so subtly hinted ur a comments-whore in ur post too!Hahahaha. Welcome aboard!Thank Bejeezus I don't have a meter.I'll forget to blink!And I didn't comment on the new layout and pics yet!Very nice, very mature.:)

  8. Jeeves for a commentaholic like me any comment any time is welcome. Thank you, thank you so much !!! You made my day, no my week no wait my life by posting ur comment ! ah, satiety ....

  9. nyc one.!! i cn fully relate to it ;)
    btw ur blog is awsm..!

  10. I'd disagree with the exhibitionist proposition, because blogging for me, was not about that. I've stopped writing entirely now, I read though, and therefore, I'm inherently active on the blog-sphere.

    Thinking back, I think I wrote because I was sick of grappling with thoughts, and its a much better recourse to put them down, so then they get sorted out.
    Now, why put them on a blog, and not a notebook? (Same purpose, right?)

    Well, because the knowledge that my thoughts have been deposited elsewhere where I can no longer contradict them, or change my mind..that, that's why we all blog, I think.

  11. I stand by my statement that all bloggers more or less are exhibitionists. It's like being gay, some are open about it, some are in the closet, in denial. Thankfully what we are doing is perfectly legal, so no sweat !

  12. An old post of yours...but I couldnt stop myself from commenting.
    I have been in this blogosphere just from 2 and half months & made 2 friends too. I still remember that feeling when I got my first comment, I was liked to read my post & even comment too.I guess it's only that first comment which stopped me from quitting(I always had a thought that no one read my post)...but nw Dz my 2nd blog...I knew I don't write so perfectly like everyone...but it's just nw I started posting...I just hope someday I will be able to write better!!

  13. Many of my initial posts don't have any comments, though they have many views. Receiving a comment is so wonderful :)
    Nice post. I share your views :)


Thanks for taking the time to write :)